Never Kiss a Christian on the Mouth - Kiev

I'm sure with a title like that you're expecting a Catholic school girls joke.  Sorry to disappoint...and get your mind out of the gutter.  No, what I'm referring to is the creepiness of the kissing worshipper.

Every now and then some church tells people that some inanimate object is really, really important (and yet those same Christians had no problem wiping out other peoples who worshipped different inanimate objects, go figure).

At some point in that process some churchly guy decides that said object should be shown respect by being kissed and if they really want to show their love for god they should use a little tongue.  Okay that last part isn't true.  If you want to show your love for Jesus every priest knows you have to go much further than first base.

So in my travels I've seen a few of these incidents, mostly it's crosses and statues.  Kinda gross, a little creepy but not too bad.  However, Kiev takes the take cake (and then vomits it back up).

There's a section of Kiev that is known for its churches.  There's so many goddam churches down there I can't keep them straight--there's like churches within churches once you walk through the gate, it's madness--but I'm pretty sure this one is called the Kiev Monastery of the Caves.  It definitely has caves in the name...I think.

So once you get past all the onion domes, paintings of saints, and gold, well, everything, then there's these caves that link the monasteries.  You go down into these narrow, dark caves and at some point you come across the devout.  You may recognize them by they way that they kiss the filthy glass cases that house the decomposed skeletons of former priests!  Very gross.

One isn't allowed to take pictures down there so I had to pull a photo off the web of this hunk hunka rotting flesh.  Let me just say this picture doesn't do justice to the disgustingness of these religious make-out sessions.  For one, there is no light down there, you need to take a candle to see anything.  And I know what you're thinking, that the candle light really sets the mood for some heavy-petting necrophilia action but you're wrong.  It's filthy down there.  Quite dank.


And to watch one person after another line up and kiss one corpse after another is truly disturbing.  They don't just kiss the case but they line up face to face so it's really like they're kissing them on the mouth and these corpses reveal a lot more skin bone than is shown in this picture.  It's not appropriate for children to watch.  Hell, it's not appropriate for me to watch.

I suppose this is the problem when you have a religion where dying leads to the most "awesome of awesomeness" (that's a Bible quote look it up), you see a dead holy priest and you just want to get it on.

So class, what did we learn today? Never kiss a Christian on the mouth.  Why?  Because you know where that mouth has been!


Crashing the world one couch at a time,
The Hi-tech Vagabond

I've Been Busy Doing Nothing

Well that isn't true, traveling the world not working is harder than it looks. Pity me dear readers.

Still there is no denying that I have failed you in my blogging responsibilities over the past year. My saving grace? The laziness that led to me not writing any updates is the same laziness that led to me not bothering to alert y'all that I was writing a blog in the first place. Hurrah for inertia!

But no more. I have turned over a new leaf...and under that leaf I discovered my super-competitive side. My girlfriend--Dewey Decimate--has started a travel blog since she now roams the world by my side (more on that in my next blog in 2011...just kidding). Now begins the great game of one-up-manship. Did I mention she's also going through her second draft of her novel? Damn her initiative, it makes me look bad.

So over the next few months prepare to be titillated by stories from foreign lands, told as best as I can remember them (contrary to what you've heard vodka and rum are not memory boosters). There will be writings, photos, videos, maybe even 3D holograms.

So dear readers stick with this blog and I promise you one thing: as boring, inane or annoying as this blog may be, it's still better than doing whatevathefuck you're supposed to be doing at work.


Crashing the world one couch at a time,
The Hi-tech Vagabond


P.S. Check out my girl's blog.